Forde Yard Dash: The Dead Schembechlers Alive And Spewing

Ahh...I mentioned in an earlier post that the Buckeye Nation was fanatical. Perhaps maniacal is a better description. Here is an article by ESPN's Pat Forde about The Dead Schembechlers, self proclaimed "best damned punk band in the land".

Phone rang Monday. It was Bo.

No, not Bo Schembechler. It was Bo Biafra. Lead singer/shameless promoter/maniac-in-residence with the self-proclaimed "Best Damn Punk Band in the Land," the Dead Schembechlers.

This is Michigan-Ohio State week, and if you had to pick which Bo to interview -- well, it's better to have Bo Biafra than no Bo at all.

If you don't know who the Dead Schembechlers are by now, you're not paying enough attention. Not to The Dash (see Sept. 12 installment ) or several other media outlets. Even the real, septuagenarian Bo acknowledged their existence earlier this month, asking Todd Jones of the Columbus Dispatch, "Have you ever heard of the Dead Schembechlers? What the hell is that?"

Here's what the hell it is: a quartet of Ohio State crazies who dress like Woody Hayes and sing tender ballads such as "Bomb Ann Arbor Now" and "Wolverine Destroyer."

In other words: insane fans with guitars, an entrepreneurial spirit and a wickedly warped sense of humor. For the college football rivalry that already has everything, why not add a band from the lunatic fringe?

Which brings us back to the Monday conversation with Bo Biafra.

The Dash was in Columbus and was hoping to track down the Schems for a sit-down interview. But as Biafra informed The Dash, in an accent that switched back and forth -- sometimes in the same sentence -- between James Bond (5) and Foghorn Leghorn (6): "For security reasons, we have been scattered around the country to undisclosed locations. With the heightened attention on the game this year our lives are in greater danger than ever from the international Wolverine conspiracy."

Well, certainly. One can never be too careful in these dangerous times. How about a prediction for Saturday?

"The final score has not yet been revealed to me by the late coach Hayes," Biafra declared. "However, I have stated since August that this will be the most glorious season in the history of Buckeye football, and it will reach its peak in this game. We will use the bones of the Wolverines to pick their flesh from between our teeth."

Nice visual. Do you have any favorite memories from the rivalry?

"I believe we're 102-0 against the Wolverines," Biafra insisted. "If you go back and check the lying, liberal Wolverine media, they'll make you believe they won many of the games."

Biafra explained that game footage was doctored, and crop dusters were flown over the stadium to drug fans and make them believe they were seeing Michigan victories. He pointed out the vast reach of the international Wolverines conspiracy by mentioning that the founder of Walgreen's, Charles Walgreen, is a Michigan alum -- and where do you think the maize and blue got the pharmaceuticals to drug Buckeye Nation?

To further the conspiracy point, Biafra said that the very week the band's "Bomb Ann Arbor Now" video debuted on YouTube.com, the operation was purchased by Google -- which was co-founded by a Michigan grad.

(Did The Dash mention that this dude is crazy?)

So the conspiracy is a real and present danger. But, Bo, you're going to risk life and limb to perform in Columbus Friday night at a "Hate Michigan Rally." (Biafra was all too happy to pass on ticket details.) What will the rally be like?

"Mardi Gras meets the bombing of Dresden."

OK, so rallygoers should wear beads and flame-retardant clothing. And where will the Dead Schembechlers be on game day?

"In The Shoe!" Biafra shouted, insulted at the thought they'd be anywhere else. "That's like asking Patton where he was going to be when the Third Army broke through at Bastogne! He was there on the ground!

"We don't shy away from danger. When the fecal matter hits the air-conditioning unit, we're there."

The Dash just hopes the Dead Schembechlers don't run into the Live Schembechler Saturday. The Shoe is big enough for only one epic confrontation.

Courtesy ESPN.com

UPDATE:

Dead Schembechlers end 16-year run
Last show’s proceeds will go to charity

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Aaron Beck

It might be a long-running joke, but even Columbus’ most popular "Michigan hatecore" band knows to draw the line when its namesake dies.

For three gravely serious minutes yesterday in the lobby of the Newport Music Hall, the Dead Schembechlers, who have played before the Ohio State-Michigan game every year since 1990, announced that last night’s sold-out concert would be their last.

"This will be it for us as our group," said singer and spokesman Bo Biafra, who added that the band would donate all proceeds from the show to "a charity of the Schembechler family’s choosing."

Just after 3 p.m., the Dead Schembechlers — a Michiganloathing quartet that takes sartorial cues from Woody Hayes and musical inspiration from punk rock — soberly addressed a dozen or so reporters and cameramen.

"First and foremost our group would like to extend our deepest sympathies and heartfelt prayers to the Schembechler family on their loss," Biafra said. "Bo Schembechler was the most valued opponent Ohio State has ever had. We are terribly sorry that this has occurred."

In recent days, Biafra said Schembechler himself had "discovered" the band and was "delighted" by it — facts that "gave the band no greater joy."

"He got it," Biafra said. "He understood what we were doing and that is celebrating the greatest rivalry in the history of sports."

One hundred and eighty seconds later, Biafra closed his address.

"We thank you all for coming out," he said. "God bless you and God bless Bo Schembechler."

Courtesy: THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH